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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26972524">Sowing The Seeds</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sagechanoafterdark/pseuds/sagechanoafterdark'>sagechanoafterdark</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Codename: Lazarus [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Mental Illness, Mentions of Death, Soft Bucky Barnes, flowery words, lots of feelings, soft smut</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:21:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,793</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26972524</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sagechanoafterdark/pseuds/sagechanoafterdark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky seeks to find himself after the events of the mission. Hard truths come to light and three little words just might make it all better.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes &amp; Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Codename: Lazarus [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1968289</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Sowing The Seeds</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>These events directly follow those found in Winter Soldier.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Silence.</p><p>The kind that reverberated in your ears and made you miss the noise of day to day life. The sounds of the city he’d grown up in were soothing, working to calm his normally frazzled nerves. Cars honking in midmorning traffic, glasses clinking in a diner, the squealing of brakes on the subway, all music to his ears. </p><p>Out here, the silence. It was something he could not stand. He’d tried to make peace with the quiet when he lived in Wakanda. But even that was punctuated by the sound of either farm animals or children laughing. During the long stretches of quiet nights and crickets, he’d found himself focusing. Looking at things inside himself he couldn’t be bothered to focus on before.</p><p>Silence. Now it was too much. Forcing himself into this uncomfortable zone of staring at his demons. Things he’d avoided for years or more accurately had other focuses in his life besides the man in a mask staring back at him. Empty eyes and heavy breathing that would echo in his ears and mind with every solid breath he took.</p><p>This was the point of coming here. To face this alone. He’d learned how to cope with it. He’d look at what was most important to himself and how to keep it.</p><p>Standing on the wooden porch his eyes traced the fat snowflakes as they lazily drifted down, it wasn’t completely quiet. Car horns were replaced with the cawing of a raven, pedestrian chatter was the bellowing hoot of an owl or the piercing screech of an elk. The smell was new, heady pine and crisp air that burned your nose if you took too deep of a breath.</p><p>When he’d asked for permission, something wholly new to himself, Stark had willingly given him the keys to his getaway in the middle of nowhere Norway. He’d made it a point to tell the man Steve didn’t know and the billionaire jumped at the chance to have dirt on him; less so to leave someone else out of it though.</p><p>Sighing heavily he placed both hands on the rail in front of him, taking a breath of crisp oxygen and relishing the sting in the early blue twilight. Gone for almost a month. For two weeks he’d been holed up here in this cabin alone. Two weeks he’d sat in solitude, drinking stale coffee and scotch, eating what he could hunt in the thick pines outside the cabin. </p><p>Doing nothing more than thinking. </p><p>Thinking about his past. </p><p>Thinking about his life. </p><p>Thinking about his future. </p><p>But mostly he thought about you. </p><p>He’d dwelled on how your relationship had begun. That late night on the roof of the complex, he’d caught you smoking and looking at the stars. You’d started together on a one-night whim, tangled in the sheets of your too soft bed. Drinking hazelnut coffee and eating stolen cookies from the community kitchen. It was supposed to be one night, but he’d never left the entire weekend.</p><p>The comfort of your arms and caress of your smile as he kissed you enough to keep him sated and wanting more. Hard to believe he’d taken up the offer out of curiosity and lust.</p><p>Yes, the time he spent with you was the best he’d ever experienced.</p><p>Living was repetitive. Dark and bleak before you’d bulldozed your way in.</p><p>It shamed him to think Steve couldn’t be there for him in that way, the way he’d so desperately wanted to be in the beginning but knew he couldn’t. Steve wanted to be that for him, but you. You were infinitely different. A beaming smile, fierce passion, mischievous eyes and a laugh so damn infectious you should have been quarantined.</p><p>He knew months in that he was in love with you, too afraid to admit it, too scared to utter the phrase even to himself. Everything he’d loved had been stripped away after all. You knew that all too well what being a product of Hydra did to your mind. All of it only amplified once he knew the true extent of why you were with the Avengers, to begin with.</p><p>Bucky cherished his memories. But, Moscow was one of the nightmares he wished he could forget. </p><p>Images greeted him far too often when he closed his eyes at night. Watching as the life drained from you, those eyes he loved dimming as tears streamed from the corners, body shaking in shock and all you could tell him was that it was okay and that you’d be fine. </p><p>That same damn forgiving smile. </p><p>Even Steve said that you’d be fine and the swarming resentment he felt when his own best friend wouldn’t help you to stay alive was still palpable on his tongue. </p><p>Grief and rage swarmed him in the moments after he watched the light die in your eyes, your body slackening in his arms.</p><p> When you’d come back gasping for air with a jolt he’d thought it was a miracle. Pulling your trembling body against his own and holding you tight until the bullet pushed its way out of you and the heavy sigh you’d given burying your face against his neck. </p><p>The whispered apologies searing his flesh along with your kisses as you clung to him and your wounds healed.</p><p>Standing at the railing and looking down into the freshly fallen snow his hands clenched the rail hard in a white knuckle grip a shiver winding its way down his spine. Bucky cast his eyes on the harbor, dotted with icebergs in the eerily calm murky blue waters. </p><p>The weight he’d come here to shed still pulled him down. </p><p>He couldn’t escape it. </p><p>This was worse. </p><p>So much worse than Moscow. </p><p>He’d actually shot you. He’d tried to kill you, to end you and you’d still slept beside him that night in the medical wing. </p><p>Holding his hand tight, waking in a tremble and shouting out his name as you reached for him. Crooning with tears and holding his face, you kissed him. Apologizing for what he had no idea, but you held to him as if it hadn’t even happened.</p><p>Deciding to leave was hard. Leaving the note was harder. He couldn’t face you though. Couldn’t risk seeing the potential of your love dying. He’d fled to Wakanda, taking a jet and leaving a note. He’d disembarked to Shuri standing on the platform, her arms crossed and yelling at him about why his undead girlfriend was blowing up her phone. He should have known you’d call.</p><p>Nearly two weeks in Wakanda and you wouldn’t stop, checking up on him through Shuri. Seeking him out. He laid on the table with the sticky sensors over his head, ready to start the process for removing the last of the words. “Living dead girl called,” the princess quipped to him as he laid on the table ready to start another deep dive. “Stop being such a sad white boy and talk to her after this.”</p><p>He didn’t. </p><p>After Shuri told him the truth about the soldier, a truth he didn’t ever want to hear, he’d left again; needing to get away, to think away from everyone and everything that could influence his decisions. That included you. It was a hard decision to make and a selfish one, but he knew you’d understand. </p><p>Little did he know just how well you would.</p><p>He’d turned on his cellphone while en route to Norway, listening to the 44 voicemails left for him. In the beginning, your tone was angry but as they went, punctuated by calls from Steve just to check up on him, your tone lessened. Turning into just casual chatter. But the last one was what pulled his heart. </p><p>
  <em>“Hey Buck, it’s me.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I understand Buck, I really do. You need time to sort it all out. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I was the same when Tony found me in Colorado. If you would let me..</em>
</p><p>
  <em>…..just let me help you. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I want to do it, Buck. But I’m so damn scared. I don’t want to lose you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m going to stop calling, but know I’m always thinking about you. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s always you James. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Call me or text me, please. Goodnight.”</em>
</p><p>He’d replayed that voicemail over and over again in his head for the last two weeks. The vulnerability in your voice, the exhaustion so evident. </p><p>Two weeks he’d eaten beans from a can like he did in the army. He’d camped out in front of the fireplace with just a thin blanket and a pillow in the luxury cabin. Hunted for food until he’d stalked the last of the small game in the area and went for provisions. Chopped wood until his arm and back ached like never before.</p><p>Two weeks. Now, you’d found him here. In the middle of nowhere Norway, unwilling to wait for him to come back. </p><p>Bucky wanted to argue with you, he was mad when he’d seen the snowmobile pull up and you disembarking looking at the cabin. But the willingness to fight with you left the moment he saw your face at the door. You looked tired, as tired as he felt inside, and overjoyed to see him at the same time; as you threw your arms around him, pressing your chilly nose into the crook of his neck.</p><p>He’d laid kisses along your temple as you cried and he brought you inside. Wiping away your tears you didn’t say much other than how you had missed him. Ending the day with a nest of blankets built just for the two of you in front of the fire. He couldn’t help but admire how perfectly your body molded against his own in the light of the fire, how you made everything better with a simple sigh and tired smile. Marveling at how things just picked back up between you like they’d never stopped.</p><p>Like he hadn’t left you in the middle of the night for Wakanda with just a note.</p><p>Like he’d never delivered that kill shot.</p><p>It was as confusing as it was terrifying to think about, that you could feel the same way he did.</p><p>That you’d travel across an ocean just to look for him.</p><p>Even after he’d pulled that trigger.</p><p>“You look lost.”</p><p>The soft whisper of your voice carried over the jumbled thoughts and pounding of his own heartbeat. Bucky turns to look at you, leaned upon the door frame. </p><p>Hair tousled from sleep, wearing the oversized blue plaid shirt he’d given to you. Bare legs sticking out under the hem as it rode indecently high, a smile tugged at the edge of his lips, the winter boots were a nice touch. The laces were undone and snapping against the porch as you walked over to him, placing one hand over his back. The warmth of your skin telling him he’d been outside for far too long in the cold with so little clothes on.</p><p>“I feel lost,“ he admitted in a whisper, eyes darting over your worried face and he turned away looking out to the harbor again, counting the bergs as they floated. </p><p>A shuddered sigh broke from him as he hung his head. "I don’t know where to start. It all seems so long ago. The war. Hydra. The soldier. Being on the run. Moscow. So far away but like it all happened yesterday too, it feels muddled. It’s been weeks but I can still feel him and I don’t want to. Being like this, I don’t like it.”</p><p>He hated being this way, this lost inside himself.</p><p>“It’s easy to get lost Buck,” you admit softly, wrapping your arms around the metal prosthetic holding him closer. “You can remember it. It’s okay to do that. Drown in the pain, in the sorrows that time caused. Wallow in misery and bask in the shame. It’s all okay. Just as long as you find your way back when we need you. When I need you.”</p><p>“I could have killed you,” he said, finality in his voice. “If you hadn’t replaced the bullets with ICErs I would have killed you.”</p><p>“No,” you whispered an edge of annoyance in your tone. The two of you had already argued about this for weeks at the compound. It was the same song playing over and over again. “I don’t die Buck. I won’t die on you, and I won’t quit either. It’s going to be okay.”</p><p>“I know about the book,” he whispered, feeling a sliver of weight leaving him. The breath hitched in your throat. He couldn’t bring himself to look at you, but you let go of his arm, your hands dropping to the rail instead. “I found it one night while you were gone on a mission. I didn’t understand what it was until, after Moscow." </p><p>He paused, expecting you to say something, anything but you didn’t and he thought your silence might make it even worse. "Do you really write them all down,” he asked. “Is it that high of a number?”</p><p>You don’t answer right away, breath coming out in short white puffs, floorboards of the porch squeaking under your shifting weight. It’s the only way he still knows you’re there, breathing right beside him. That you’re real. </p><p>“It’s higher,” your voice comes out in a low rumble in the cool evening air. “The number is higher. I lost count when I was younger and the book is only since I started keeping track about fifteen years ago.”</p><p>Bucky isn’t sure what to say about that. The very thought of you dying all of those times makes the dark edges of his mind swarm and start to swallow him in anger, but your light chuckle brought him back startling him enough to blink back the feelings. Glancing over he saw you looking at him, honey soft warmth in your eyes he could always count on seeing. “What?”</p><p>“You’re doing it again, Barnes.” The tone you used was scolding and at odds with the smile on your face. “There’s plenty of blame to go around for every time I’ve ever died. Nobody has to shoulder that, especially you.” Reaching up your warm hand caressed against the curve of his face, your smile beaming and eyes shining.</p><p>“James Barnes, you soft-hearted fool. You’re amazing,” you began, squaring your body against his own. Gripping his head firm yet gently in your hands. “In fact, you’re the most perfectly flawed person I’ve ever met. There isn’t a single other person on this planet I’d rather spend my time with. Not a man one I’d take a bullet for. Nary a specimen whom I’d allow rail me as his super-soldier alter ego then shoot me in the head and definitely no man I would chase after around the globe after he leaves me a damned note on the nightstand. I wouldn’t,” you pause biting your lip for a brief moment, your hands trailing from his face to chest. “I wouldn’t put myself out there for just anyone Buck. You’re incredibly imperfect and it’s why I love you.”</p><p>The breath caught in Bucky’s chest. Feeling like being swallowed by fire and drowning at the same time as he gazed into your eyes. He wanted to remember every detail of this moment right now, but his brain wouldn’t let him. Something about this all felt too good to be true, he’d left you with a measly note on a table and you’d chased after him. “Y-You, love me?”</p><p>“I thought that was obvious by now,” you said in your most dramatically sarcastic voice, rolling your eyes with a heavy sigh but still grinning ear to ear. “Yes, I love you James Barnes, you giant idiot.”</p><p>A lightness seeped into his chest at those words, swallowing hard as emotion began to overtake him swelling in his chest until it felt as if he might burst. His hand reached up taking your own in it and kissing the palm of your hand, his gaze seeking your own, “I love you.” </p><p>It felt good to say those words. </p><p>To say it without worry. </p><p>To have them reflected in the smile that shown on your face and the twinkle in your eye. </p><p>Had you always looked at him like that?</p><p>That’s what it was wasn’t it, it was always love.</p><p>“I know,” you said with a sly grin. Before leaning up and capturing his lips in the softest of kisses. It was slow and sweet; his mouth sliding over your own with just enough pressure to taste you. Pulling a gentle sigh from your chest and he pulled you closer to him, the warmth of your body seeping into his own.</p><p>One kiss and it was like he was that young twenty-something in the 40’s again, eager to taste, excited to touch. Ready to prove himself worthy of the cotton candy kisses and red hot passions. Groaning into your mouth, he marveled at the softness of your lips, the sweet taste of your breath and how even with his eyes closed, he could feel the butterfly caress of your lashes against his cheek. </p><p>Kissing you, it was easy to forget himself and just be.</p><p>Breaking away you blinked up at him a few times, clearing your throat and pressing your forehead against his. Bucky gazed into your fathomless eyes, glistening in the growing light of early morning. “Come inside,” you whispered with a smile. “You’re freezing.”</p><p>
  
</p><p>Coming to the middle of nowhere wasn’t your initial plan. You’d been pining and worrying about Bucky ever since the incident at the warehouse. The arguments about his guilt over what had happened were hard but it all came to a head when you’d woken up that morning to an empty bed and a note on the bedside table. </p><p>“I’ll be back, I promise.” Who the hell did he think he was, Schwarzenegger? </p><p>Your hand crumpled the note scrawled in his block style letters and you stomped down to the kitchen with murder in your eyes. Who gave a shit that you were still half-naked. </p><p>Angrily you’d ranted in front of everyone, slapping the note down on the counter and glaring daggers at Steve. He looked just as startled as you. Then to Sam, he knew, that much was obvious by the way he’d avoided your eyes and hung his head.</p><p>Bucky had gone to Wakanda, visiting the princess and getting what she’d said was a refreshing upgrade. You knew what those words meant, they were going to try and carve out every scrap of the Winter Soldier that they could. You’d implored Shuri not to do it, to leave well enough alone and get rid of the triggers but leave Bucky as he was.</p><p>You’d been on a mission in Australia when Bucky came back. The man was madder than a wet hen that the technology in Wakanda had removed the second set of words but couldn’t get rid of the Soldier. The seeds of mind control were not nearly as deep as the Soldier himself because Bucky was the Soldier.</p><p>“He is going to have to learn to live with who he is,” Shuri told you over the phone, her tone final. You could almost see the shrug of her shoulders as she spoke. “That was all I could tell him. All I can do for him. Good luck with him Lazarus.”</p><p>That’s how you’d found him here, Bucky had gotten permission from Tony of all people, to use one of his getaway cabins in Norway. You’d made the trek here buying a snowmobile off a local and unsurprised to find the place both decadent and rustic in nature; much like the billionaires own home in upstate and Bucky more than surprised to see you standing in the doorway.</p><p>There wasn’t much talking when you’d gotten there. He tried to look unhappy that you’d tracked him down. But the way his eyes smiled even though his mouth pulled down in a frown said volumes. </p><p>Arriving only yesterday, you had no spare clothes, no provisions, nothing but the clothes on your back and a burner phone Steve gave you before you’d left. Bucky had shaken his head at that, you’d always been so prepared. He’d given you the warmest shirt he had to sleep in for the night and curled himself around you in the light of the fire all night long.</p><p>You hadn’t slept well since he’d left. Too used to his comforting heat and the weight of that metal arm when it laid across your hips. The dark circles under your eyes were evidence enough of the worry and sleepless nights you’d sat against the headboard in a listless lull. </p><p>Dialing his number and leaving desperate voicemails for him to call you back. Now with the warmth of his chest pressed against you and the weight of the vibranium arm over your midriff you’d easily fallen into the best night of sleep ever. </p><p>Waking up cold you’d seen him standing outside looking at the fjord and muttering to himself like he always did when upset. He worried you, that was why you’d come and you supposed it was time to be honest. Especially if he was as concerned as he looked right at this moment looking out at the chilly waters.</p><p>“You’re imperfect,” you said, voice strong and lips stretched into a smile you hoped conveyed everything you really felt inside, the admiration, the frustration, the caring, the worry and the fear. All of it pushed into a smile and a tender touch you hoped got through to him. “And it’s why I love you.”</p><p>Calling him an idiot was apt given his stunned expression and the slow smile that spread across his face, crinkling the corners of his eyes in genuine happiness. </p><p>Once inside Bucky busied himself making a fire, throwing a few additional logs into the fireplace for good measure as you kicked off your boots again and burrowed down into the pile of blankets with a shiver. After you’d come to the cabin you’d noticed that he hadn’t touched the bedrooms. Sleeping on the couch in front of the fireplace with just a thin fleece blanket wouldn’t do. So you’d stolen the plethora of blankets and quilts from the bedrooms building your own adult-sized nest.</p><p>Flipping back the blankets you patted the spot next to you as Bucky clambered down into the pile. His skin a mixture of icey cold and blazing heat from the fire. You didn’t even want to think about how cold his vibranium arm was right now. “You’re still so cold.”</p><p>“Maybe you should warm me up then,” he grinned, pressing his cold nose against your throat. Lips brushing the skin and you laughed, rolling over and pressing your chest to his. The two of you tumbled down, your arms winding around him and pulling his bulk over you as you laid back, legs tangling together in casual intimacy.</p><p>Breath fanning over your flesh Bucky began to place lazy kisses along the edge of the flannel shirt you wore. Only two or three buttons were done up on it but his warm mouth against your flesh pulled sigh after sigh from your lips. Fingers carding through coffee-colored locks of hair as he traveled down your chest and over the swell of your breast before coming back to your lips.</p><p>“I love you,” he whispered, smiling before planting a lip-smacking kiss against your lips.</p><p>You hummed against him, grinning when he broke away, “You said that already.”</p><p>Bucky chuckled, the vibration running through your body. “Yeah, but I think I should have said it sooner. As it is I’ll have to make up for lost time.” His hips rocked against yours under the blankets, earning a soft gasp as your fingers played with the hair at the nape of his neck.</p><p>“No time lost Barnes,” you said with a click of your tongue. “You’ve said it in other ways, it doesn’t always have to be words.” His eyes sought your own, gaze flickering back and forth a little as he watched your face, the smallest of smiles tugging at the corner of his mouth. “What?”</p><p>“Have I ever told you how beautiful you are,” he asked, vibranium hand stroking the hair from your eyes. You scoffed and his brows drew together in that adorable little pout, but it didn’t last long as Bucky began to lay lazy soft kisses along your flesh. Starting with your cheek and the corner of your mouth. Turning and baring your neck to him as his lips, rough and chapped from the cold weather, caressed against your skin, thick beard tickling you as he moved inch by inch all over your neck. “I’m not lying Y/N. You are beautiful.”</p><p>“Only to you,” you whispered, carding your hand through his hair, pushing it back and out of those blue eyes you loved. “But I don’t want to be pretty for anyone else.” The edge of his mouth quirked up in a grin that you mirrored before he leaned down and captured your lips. The kiss was slow, easy and all over lazy; the kind of kiss you gave when you had all the time in the world.</p><p>Soon Bucky’s hands were gripping the back of your thigh, pulling up as his hips rocked against you. Grinding his erection into your core as the kisses became more passionate. Open mouth kisses, his tongue stroking against your own, teeth dragging against his bottom lip. Before you knew it, you both were devoid of clothes and pressed against one another in the light of the fire.</p><p>Bucky took his time as if mapping your whole body; his lips trailing over every square inch of your exposed flesh. Fingers stroking muscles and brushing with the lightest of touches over every dimple, stretch mark and imperfection. Blue eyes shining as he followed the movement of his hands, “You’re beautiful.”</p><p>Quirking an eyebrow at him your eyes caught his own with a smirk, “You said that already too. Are you getting senile in your old age, handsome?”</p><p>Sitting backward on his heels as you come to your elbows you saw that mischievous smile pull at this lips, “Permit an old man to gaze upon the wonderment of the most beautiful of creatures he has ever laid eyes upon.”</p><p>“Oh,” you breathed, biting your lips and holding back a laugh as you reached up towards him beckoning him back to you again. “How charming, is that Shakespeare?”</p><p>“Nope, all Barnes,” he said laughing against your flesh and grinning wider at the snorting laugh that escaped you. His mouth tracing along your neck, biting down lightly on your skin; erection pressed against your belly. “I want you, Y/N.”</p><p>“You have me,” you breathed against his ear. Feeling his vibranium fingers against your core the breath hitched in your throat as he dipped into you, one finger at first, the nimble metallic digit curling against your walls. Breath coming out in stuttered gasps against his ear; hips working against his hand as he added another finger. “Oh, fuck,” the curse slipped past your lips as your breathing became heavier in his ear. “Bucky.”</p><p>He hummed, laying kisses against your shoulder back to your ear. “Your so wet, doll.” Your answering moan made him chuckle against you. “Are you going to cum already?”</p><p>“Yes,” the breath escaped your lips; forcing your body to rock harder against him. Fingers digging into the toned flesh of his back. His palm bumped against your clit, rubbing with every inward thrust and the moans began falling from your lips should have been embarrassing but as the coil in your belly tightened down and threatened to snap you didn’t care.</p><p>The end came fast, joints locking up. Your body going rigid and legs clamping around his hand even as he continued to thrust into you. A deep heady moan leaving your throat, ending in a high pitch whine; weeks without him had obviously taken their toll. </p><p>Leaning away the dark chuckle Bucky gave sent goosebumps to alight over your flesh, your breath coming in heavy pulls. Not waiting you surged up to him, pressing your lips against him in a fervent kiss that had him both laughing and kissing you back. “Need you now,” you said between kisses.</p><p>Bucky was already parting your legs, hips seating between your own; head of his cock brushing against your soaking core, he couldn’t wait any longer. Pressing into your heat slowly, your lips on his swallowing his groan of pleasure. “Fuck your tight,” he mumbled against you. “How are you always so fucking tight?”</p><p>Gripping his cock tight, Bucky groaned again, starting with shallow thrusts. His hips barely rocking in and out of you. Hands caressing against your skin lighting fires in their wake, making the tides rise higher. His sinful mouth capturing a nipple before tweaking the other; fingers tangling in long strands of hair and giving a slight tug. </p><p>Weeks of being apart had taken its toll on the both of you, you could feel it in the stutter of his hips as he began to thrust harder, working his hard cock in and out of your soaked core. Setting a hard and furious pace you were all to happy to match. Sneaking his vibranium hand down, warm and wet against your clit making you keen and mewl with every thrust. </p><p>He moaned against you, tongue lathing against inflamed needy flesh. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Y/N,” he confessed between panted breaths and kisses against your skin.</p><p>“Bucky,” you gasped, his name like a curse on your parted lips. The hot chill of arousal flushing through your limbs. “I love you.”</p><p>“Say it again,” he breathed against the shell of your ear his thrusts growing more sloppy, hand slipping further up your thigh. Holding you tight.</p><p>“I love you,” you whispered out, fingers digging into the flesh of his shoulder, hand gripping the bicep of his vibranium arm. You chanted it over and over again, feeling the tide rise higher and higher ready for the waves to swallow you whole. “Fucking hell, Bucky.” </p><p>Hips crashing against his the coil in your belly tightened a little further before snapping and Bucky’s thrusts quickened but didn’t stop. Fucking you through the orgasm, the strength of it stealing your vision briefly before a gasping cry escaped as his thumb brushed your clit again. Spurring your hips to work against his, harder this time and more desperate than ever.</p><p>“More,” you moaned, hands cupping his face and sliding into the sweaty strands of his hair pulling him down against your lips; the haze of pleasure making you delirious. “Take more, Bucky. Take all of me.”</p><p>“Your mine, Y/N.” He mumbled against your lips before sliding his tongue against your own. Swallowing the mewls and pleas on your lips, thrusts becoming harder jarring your hips against the floor. “Mine,” he growled, hips surging forward one last time emptying into you. His teeth grazing against your neck as you gasped, body quaking, fingers digging into his flesh marking him with half-moons and bruises that would eventually fade.</p><p>Catching your breath you began to card a hand through his messy hair, Bucky pressed lazy kisses along your throat and chest before rolling you both. Blankets tangled around your legs, the scratch of his beard tickling your flesh making a soft giggle escape as you squirmed against him. </p><p>Laying together in peaceful bliss, the crackling fire and light from the rising sun illuminating the room in a soft glow. Bucky trailed a hand up and down the skin of your back, drawing a lazy line up and down.</p><p>“I suppose you want me to come home,” he rumbled as your head rested against his chest.</p><p>“No,” you whispered, tracing little patterns with your finger against his chest. </p><p>“No?” He asked, body tensing under you slightly.</p><p>With a sigh you slung your leg over his abdomen, sliding over the top of him as his hands grasped your hips on instinct, blinking up at you. You could feel yourself shaking all of your nerves on edge, you placed trembling hands flat against his chest, his heartbeat firm under your palm. Unready to have such an intense conversation after sex, or at all if you were being honest with yourself.</p><p>“Bucky,” you began, taking a deep breath. “I’m going to tell you something that you’re going to hate hearing but it needs to be said. You can never be just Bucky Barnes anymore. You’re both James Barnes and the Soldier. He’s never going away, because he is you Bucky. You are both, you are new and you’re imperfect.” You watched as his face began to contort in what looked like anger but you pressed on. “I’ve known that for a long time if I’m going to be truthful. It doesn’t scare me. You don’t scare me. The only thing,” your voice broke and you swallowed the lump down. “The only thing I’m afraid of is losing you.”</p><p>Bucky whispered your name, but you blinked back the tears. Casting your eyes to the ceiling for a brief moment and you felt him shift under you, sliding you down against his thighs, coming face to face with you. You drew a shuddering breath as a few tears slipped from the edges of your eyes, weeks of anxiety, and fear swarming through you at once.</p><p>Gaze meeting crystal blue eyes already wet with unshed tears you tried to smile; your hand cupping the side of his face. “I won’t let you do this alone Bucky. No matter how much you fight me or how badly you want to isolate yourself. I’m going to stay with you, at your side for as long as I can. So don’t you dare shut me out again, Barnes. Don’t let the seeds of doubt they sowed into you take root and lose yourself. I love you so much, James. Don’t leave me behind.”</p><p>His hands reached out towards you, caressing away the tears that began to fall from your wide eyes. Very quickly Bucky realized something, something he’d always known but was too afraid to look at. You were just as imperfect as him. Just as broken and it was like seeing you again for the very first time. </p><p>Leaning forward Bucky kissed your tear-stained cheek before guiding your mouth to his own. You could taste the salt of your tears on his lips as you returned the kiss, sliding your hands into damn sweaty locks of hair. </p><p>“I love you,” he said, against your mouth. Kissing you again. “I love you, Y/N and I’m not going anywhere.”</p>
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